I thought this time was supposed to be so joyous, bringing a new life into the world. “You have everything you have ever wanted! Why aren’t you happy?” “This is supposed to be the happiest time in your life!” I resented my friends who didn’t have kids. I resented my family for supporting my aunt and her family during this unbearable time. I resented myself, I resented Finn, and resented my husband for not feeling a bond straight away with the baby. I went to latch him and the pain was so unbearable that I actually screamed, “GET HIM AWAY FROM ME” and I pushed him toward my husband’s lap. Finn had a tongue tie and my nipples were raw and bleeding. Almost as if Finn was a patient and not my own baby. This environment was familiar to me as NICU nurse-but I felt out of body. I actually felt like I had a good handle on things. I quickly slipped into a postpartum hypomania, barely sleeping, wired, and switching off shifts with my husband, but never feeling exhausted. ![]() My family juggled time between visiting my cousin in his first round of chemotherapy at the adjoining Children’s Hospital (incidentally the same hospital where I work) and seeing Finn in the NICU. This is where he spent the first week of his life. 10 pounds, 1 ounce of a hunk of love, and right to the Neonatal ICU he went for meconium aspiration and low blood sugars. My family is very close-knit and came together for my aunt, uncle and their family in an incredible way that I will never forget. To say we were all devastated was an understatement. My 9-year-old cousin was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, a cancer of the soft tissue of his facial sinus cavity, on my due date. Related: To the weary and exhausted mama-you aren’t alone This mama was exhausted physically and mentally and in definite need of support from my loved ones, which until the day of my due date, I felt that I had 100%. I was swollen, working full-time 12 hour shifts as an RN in the NICU, and suffering through loud nights in Wrigleyville as the Cubs played in the World Series. Looking back, I believe I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes, as Finn was over 10 pounds when he was born and I gained a steady 75 pounds before birth. The symptoms started during my pregnancy with my first, Finn. ![]() ![]() Even my own mother always says that I am “the one she never worried about.” Was that all just a self-fulfilling prophecy? My nature is to be the caregiver-I am the oldest child, the oldest of many cousins, a wife, a mama, and a NICU nurse. I have always been self-sufficient maybe to a fault. The immense sadness and guilt is overwhelming. The resentment that surfaces and resurfaces at times. At the same time, the postpartum depression is present in my every day life as little reminders of the darker days still exist all around me.
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